Red Rose City Chorus
Womens' Barbershop Humor
Men may have invented Barbershop singing ...but women perfected it!
Barbershop is better than...
Grunge Music... because
you can understand the words!
Zamphir... because we don't sell our albums on TV at
3AM!
Heavy Metal... because you don't have to bang your head to enjoy it!
Country... because your dog never dies in a barbershop song!
How do you
get two basses to sing in perfect unison?
Shoot one.
What's the
difference between a lead and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up a lead.
Why did the
chicken cross the road?
To get away from the baritone section rehearsal.
What's the
difference between a tenor and a trampoline?
You take your chorus shoes off before jumping on a trampoline.
What do you
call a bass with half a brain?
Gifted.
What's the
difference between a lawn mower and a tenor?
You can tune the lawn mower.
What's the difference between Rush
Limbaugh and a baritone?
One of them's loud, offensive, abrasive, and loved by a few mis-guided
weirdos. The other's a TV commentator.
What's the
range of a lead?
About ten yards, if you've got a good arm.
How do you
get a lead to sound like a baritone?
Have her sing louder, flatter, and miss every third note.
What do you
call a woman who hangs around with barbershop singers?
A lead.
What did the
bass get on her IQ test?
Drool.
How can you
tell when a tenor is out of tune?
Her lips are moving.
Why is a
baritone like a SCUD missle?
They are both offensive and inaccurate.
What do
baritones use for birth control?
Their personalities.
How do you
know if a lead section is at your front door?
No one knows when to come in, and they can't find the key.
Why are
Barbershop show intermissions limited to twenty minutes?
So they don't have to retrain the bass section.
If you took
all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end....
It would be a good idea.
What is the missing link between the bass and the ape?
The baritone.
How can you tell when a tenor is really stupid?
When the other tenors notice.
Why do Adelines rock left and right while performing on stage?
Because it's more difficult to hit a moving
target.
What do you
call ten baritones at the bottom of the ocean?
A pretty good start.
So, two
basses walk past a bar....
Hey! It could happen!
How do you
get a lead to stop singing?
Give her a sheet of music.
"Hey buddy -
How late does the chorus sing?"
"Oh, about a half a beat behind the director."
How do you
put a twinkle in a tenor's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.
What do you
call a lead who can sight read?
A baritone.
If you drop a bass and a watermelon off a
tall building at the same time, which one hits the ground first?
Who cares?
What's the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a baritone into the toilet bowl
without hitting the rim!
How does a
lead change a light bulb?
She just holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
How many basses does it take to change a
light bulb?
None. They just light candles and open a
bottle of wine.
How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?
Six. One to do it, and five to say, "It's too
high for her."
How many baritones does it take to change
a light bulb?
A whole section. One to
climb the ladder while the rest calculate the Pythagorean implications and argue
about the pitch of the roof.
How many directors does it take to change
a light bulb?
I don't know, I wasn't watching.
An Adelines quartet was sitting on the porch talking when they saw a funeral procession go past the house. That got them to thinking and prompted a consideration of the question, "If you could hear what people say about you as they pass your casket, what is the single thing you would most like to hear?"
The Lead said, "She was a wonderful singer, a genius, and a fine wife and mother."
The Baritone answered, "She was a great entertainer and made people laugh."
The Tenor proclaimed, "She was loved by all who knew her. Humanity has suffered a great loss."
The Bass replied, "I would really like to hear them say, 'LOOK, SHE'S MOVING!' "
YOU MIGHT
BE A SWEET ADELINE
IF....
You wonder why the seats on a plane aren't FOUR across
The person sitting next to you at the symphony kindly suggests you stop humming
the seventh of every chord played
You've ever gotten that weird look from the Dry Cleaner when you show up and ask
if they can do sequins really well
Your most prominent bumper sticker is "I Can't, I Have Rehearsal..."
The only magazines in your bathroom is The Pitch Pipe.
You have 1-800-876-SING on your speed dial
You're an authority on travel routes around your city. You work five minutes
from home, and your kids' school is equally as close, but you've sung all over
the city, in all kinds of venues, for 20 years. If someone needs to know the
easiest way to get somewhere, and where to park, and where the bathrooms are,
you have all that information.
You break into song when the microwave beeps, or the electrical lines make your
radio hum and crackle, or the construction crew at your office turns on the
saws.
Your kids are used to curling up on a sofa in the corner of a hospitality room
and going to sleep with all the singing going on around them. They actually
think it's cool.
You furtively sneak around your office carrying your folded-up sheet music,
learning tapes and Casio mini keyboard, looking for an open conference room
where you can rehearse.
When you play a CD, you can already start to sing the first words of the next
song, in the right pitch, just as the previous song finishes.
You've accidentally tried to blow a pitch on an Oreo....
You let your husband think your having an affair so you can slip in one more
rehearsal before contest...
When the pastor starts reciting the Lord's
Prayer, you can't help but hear the chords...
When listening to an oldies station, you think they're singing the song wrong
because it's not how Pride of Baltimore sang it.
You've tried to get your dog to howl just so you can harmonize with someone...
You think The Bangles would have been much better with a good bass...
You've used old chorus costumes for Halloween costumes....
You mistake the hum of an air conditioner for the sound of a quartet somewhere
in the hotel...
You find that Signature Sound on the stereo calms your fussy baby better you
do...
You memorize 20 arrangements for a show and forget your kids' names.
You agonize for weeks over which outfit to wear to contest, but you'll pick a
doctor out of the phone book
The greeting on your answering machine starts with bum, bum, bum, bum
Your doctor schedules your heart surgery on a rehearsal night and you gotta
think twice about it
On meeting someone for the first time you ask them what part they sing before
their name.
Your non-Adelines friends (and family) suspect you have joined a religious cult because of your
obsessive behavior
You always check you have a pitch pipe with you when you leave the house - then
you check to see if you have your keys!
Some of the
artists from the '60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate us
aging baby boomers. This is good news for "those feeling a little older" and
missing those great old tunes...
Herman's Hermits
"MRS. BROWN, YOU'VE GOT A LOVELY WALKER"
The Bee Gees
"HOW CAN YOU MEND A BROKEN HIP"
Bobby Darin
"SPLISH, SPLASH, I WAS HAVIN' A FLASH"
Beatles
"I GET BY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM DEPENDS"
Roberta Flack
"THE FIRST TIME EVER I FORGOT YOUR FACE"
Johnny Nash
"I CAN'T SEE CLEARLY NOW"
Paul Simon
"FIFTY WAYS TO LOSE YOUR LIVER"
Marvin Gaye
"I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPE NUTS"
Procol Harem
"A WHITER SHADE OF HAIR"
Leo Sayer
"YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE NAPPING"
The Temptations
"PAPA'S GOT A KIDNEY STONE"
ABBA
"DENTURE QUEEN"